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Hey everyone,
Im not looking for answers, I just need to get this out.
I am really struggling with myself at the moment.... I have been with my b.f for nearly 5 years, since I was 17, he is 25. We have lived together for the past 3 years, and for the majority have a fantastic relationship, he is a beautiful person who does everything for me.
However for the past 6 months or so I have really been struggling with feelings that I dont want to be here anymore. I feel like I am missing out on life, I feel like I want to be like my friends, and go out, have fun.. find myself, cause at the moment, I dont know who I am...
I don't drive, and am very reliant on my boyfriend, and before that was the same with my mum, which was ok, he has never had a problem with it, but recently I am questioning myself, wondering if I would be happier within myself if I was alone, forced to do things by myself, forced to find my own identity.
I struggle with generalised anxiety disorder and mild depression as well, which I am sure is either contributing to how I feel about myself and my relationship, or is a result of how I feel about myself and my relationship.. if that makes sense.
I just feel so lost, trapped and confused... I have withdrawn from my boyfriend a lot because I feel like it is fake if I act all lovey, and I am not a very touchy person anyways.
I have talked to him about this on two occasions, the first time i lost it completely, I was a mess, and i completely broke his heart, it was the most horrible thing I have ever done. I left for a week to my mums, to have some time to think and sort myself out, but never found the answer, and came home to my boyfriend, he was very patient and considerate.. but things slowly slipped back to the way they were till recently I had some bad issues with anxiety which bought up the topic again.. he was fantastic, and told me that if I am not happy that he would prefer us to seperate, and be friends rather than let it get to a point where we hate each other, he told me that he wants to help me through the anxiety and depression even if I wanted to leave the relationship. He also told me he loves me so much, cant see himself with anyone else
But I just can't do it, I cannot do that to a person, he is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me... how can I break someones heart and ruin their life.. and I don't even know what the right choice is.. I have no idea whether I would leave and be ok, or completely crack and mess up both our lives.
I am not even sure what I want, I can imagine myself with this person, having kids etc, on the other hand i really cant, i feel that i am going to start resenting him, and seeing him as the bad guy and the reason I havent experienced life... and I never ever want to hurt him like that... this is so hard, I struggle with it all day every day, it's tearing me apart.
I have issues with myself, self esteem, anxiety and depression, and people have told me to sort that stuff out before I make any decisions, which I am happy to do, but I cant help but feel my heart breaking every day, and his when I act like I dont want to be around him...
I probably sound so selfish, and people have said to me that I have a fantastic relationship, a secure relationship and someone to love me for the rest of my life.. i understand people aren't lucky enough to have that, and if I do leave yes i will probably regret and never find anyone else, but i cant stay here feeling like this..
I know this is long, and probably boring, but I just have to add the lyrics to a song, I have never heard a song that describes my life so perfectly;
"Where I Stood"
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
Thanks for reading, if anyone managed to make it through it all!
take care,
Kel xxx
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