The labels help to make sense of things. Researching BPD helped me understand my own self a little better years ago. Researching NPD (for my mother) and AsPD (for my father) helped me feel validated (which actually helped most of my BPD symptoms ease up quite a bit over the course of learning and putting the puzzle pieces together).

But my brain tends to work in a very systematic, structured way (or something, hard to articulate it). Like, I only accept one reality, and I process everything over and over until everything makes sense in that one reality.

So if the fact that I was abused while growing up, is not an excuse for me abuse others, and if I am able and willing to admit and work on my issues, then it means that my mother has had no excuse, and she could have admitted and worked on her issues, as well. But she chose not to do so.

That choice is what incites my rage towards her sometimes. It would be so different if she had ever come to me and said, "Hey, I am really sorry about when I did X, Y and Z really ****ed up things, that was wrong." Has never happened. AND the few times I've tried confronting her, she would manage to turn it around, somehow I was really the bad guy and I had to apologize to her for being angry with her. Just wtf lol.