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Originally Posted by Clementine K
I forgot to ask - did you open the letter yet? There might be something in there to give you some peace.
For what it's worth, even with a 3 way phone convo, I suspect you would not have gotten the real answer especially in the presence of a third party. They 'why's' of the reason she thought termination was best for you or best for her, are feeling based and likely difficult to articulate, especially to someone with heightened sensitivity that's going through a hard time. It's like asking why you love someone - you can give all these squishy reasons, but at the end of the day the feeling just exists even when it doesn't factually make sense. You had, and likely still have, a strong connection to this T that nobody except the two of you will ever understand, and like I mentioned, the termination was likely as enigmatic as the relationship itself.
Not to try to instill some kind of false hope, but maybe once you and T have had a cooling off period, you may be able to approach her a year, or 2 years later and get some answers. I recently read Love's Executioner, and there was a chapter about a T relationship gone wrong - where the T had a personal relationship with the client, then cut contact all together and it tortured the former client. The 'behind the curtain' reason was so out there and strange and ALL about the mental state of the T... It's just so hard...
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No, I have not opened the letter yet. New T and I were hoping to open it when I'm in a better state so it will have more benefit than triggering the feeling of loss. For now, it sits on my dresser. Part of me really wants to read it, part of me wants to shred it. The pain has tainted all my good memories. I can't even trust my memories or feelings anymore. It's like my relationship with ex-T was just a dream and I have finally accepted that the reality was it was a nightmare.
You are right, I probably wouldn't have gotten any truthful answers from ex-T in the presence of new T. But I had to try. It still would have provided me with a little closure especially if she apologized or admitted to some wrong doing. So far, most the blame has been put on me. The only blame she has taken was that she wasn't experienced enough to treat me which imo is a total cop out.
When new T asked ex-T for the phone conversation, she also asked for future contact. Ex-T said no, never. All contact will always have to be through another T. I am to never have direct contact with ex-T.
It makes no sense. How am I going to harm her through a phone call or an email? And why won't she give me any closure. She's a doctor, ph.d. She took the oath to do no harm! How the hell is no closure less harmful?