Something in your post caught my attention. It was when you talked about not wanting to have to tell him that you are upset and then give instructions...wanting him to know how to comfort you like an automatic reflex.

One thing I have learned that helped me a lot was I had to get in touch with how I felt and learn to identify what I need. I had to recognize that it was unfair for me to expect my husband to be a mind-reader and to automatically know how I felt or to know what I needed. So now I will say "I need to be alone," or "I need you to stay with me," or "I need you to cuddle me" or whatever. I communicate this need, and then it's up to him what he does with that.

Part of it is that I think men and women (for the most part) are conditioned to communicate differently.

An example: Driving with my hubby and my camera in the car. I see a side road that intrigues me and say, "that looks like a cool road to explore and take pictures of."

My hubby drives by it. I get angry and ask him why he didn't turn down it. He says he didn't know I wanted him to. I explain that I thought I'd made that clear, but because I wasn't explicit, he didn't get that.

Any of my girlfriends would have picked up on that and immediately turned down the road. Any of his friends would have said: "Turn here."

So in my experience, it has been partly because I have learned to recognize how I feel first of all, and then what I need. If I can't figure that out, it is unfair for me to expect him to. Then I needed to learn how to communicate this. Ie "I feel like hurting myself and I don't want to be alone." or "I feel devastated and I need comfort" or "I need to be alone." or whatever I need. But first I have to realize what those needs are.

The other piece to that is his piece. I'll explain. Years ago when the kids were younger I had one of my outbursts that I get when I switch from Hypo to Depressed and I utterly trashed the third story of our house--things thrown all over, including furniture.

Talking with my counsellor later I was very remorseful and she brought up an interesting point. She asked me if that was what it took for me to be heard...

I realized that I had been indicating that the mess (which was the trigger) had been bothering me and I had expressed it, but that he hadn't heard me. So that belongs to him.

But.....Looking back I realize that I probably only hinted at it bothering me and expected my hubby to lock onto that and take immediate action. And looking back I know that I can go from 0-100 in no time so can be completely okay with something (like a mess) until I'm not. And then all hell breaks loose. It's like I will suddenly realize that something is bothering me and expect everyone else around me to know even before I do. I don't know if you have anything like that going on at all, but I thought I'd share it just in case it resonates.

If you have a hubby you love, and who is sweet and kind, then I believe it's just a matter of improving communication and developing strategies. That is, if he is willing to meet you part way and hear what you have to say when you tell him what you need.

One more situation where I have had trouble telling him what I need. I've had nights where he has fallen asleep and I am feeling really unstable or when I've been crying like my heart was broken.

I would want him to wake up and comfort me. Sometimes he would, but sometimes he would be too tired. So I would lie there crying as quietly as I could because I didn't actually want to wake him up or I would leave the room and cry in the bathroom.

I would still fantasize that he would wake up and come to comfort me. Sometimes he would but sometimes he would be too tired. Then I would resent him for sleeping through while I felt so desperate and alone.

Now, if I need him to wake up and hold me I wake him up. It is my responsibility to let him know. It was not reasonable for me to expect him to just know that I was feeling the way I was and wake up to fix it. Now, I'm able to cry sometimes without waking him up, because I know I can if I need to. It's my choice then. I'm not waiting for rescue.

But if I feel like my mood is dangerous, I wake him up right away. And he doesn't have to sleep with one eye open because he knows that if I really need him, I will ask.

I know how exhausting it can be try to explain to someone else (especially when I can barely speak when I'm depressed), and how wonderful it would be to have someone who intuitively knows how I feel and what I need. But although my hubby does his best, he can't do that. So I tell him what I need, and then he does his absolute best to help me. He's been with me for 19 years, and is my main support system. And communication for us key.