Hi zepchic. I am sorry you had an episode of going totally out of control. I am sorry you have so much pain that you want to self medicate. It is a natural impulse to want to lessen pain, but there are other ways beside self medicating.

Do you have a psychiatric doctor that you could explain your situation to? In the article below some diagnoses actually have the tendency to have people self medicate. With the psych doc, there could be ways to get a more balance medication combo that treats your symptoms and helps you wean yourself off self medicating. Check with your psych doc which self medicating drugs might react with the prescribed meds from the pdoc. You are very fortunate that your husband is forgiving and is giving you another chance. It does not sound like he has infinite patience, so seeking out help with someone that can diagnose your illness and help you get the resources you need to stay stable.

Here is an article that might be of interest
Depression and Substance Abuse: The Chicken or the Egg? | Psych Central

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