Today I was kayaking. I haven't done that in a year. I paddled down a canal through a condo complex. There were families barbequing and children playing in the big pool. I could hear the families talking and the children laughing. Just safe and having fun with their families. I had a moment of great sadness. It surprised me. I had tears in my eyes as I began to paddle out to the bay. I realized that I was sad for us for not having a safe and loving home. My heart ached a little for knowing that I can not go back and change the past. That I will not have memories of a fun safe home. And at the same time there is a part that thinks we can have that. But we can't. I just don't know how to move into the space where I can let the past be the past. I wouldn't care if I know we had a tough childhood, I just am tired of feeling the emotional pain of something that is what it is.