Hello, everyone. I'm glad that I found this community because I have a problem that I've been dealing with for a long time and this is the first instance in which I've felt like telling other people about it because I just can't deal with it by myself anymore.

Something about me, that I've never revealed to anyone before, is that I have a death fetish. It's something I've had with me for a while and I've always struggled with dealing with it. For the longest time, I was terrified about what it said about me as a person, that I was sick or twisted or any some other horrible thing. At one point, after finding a community of people on the internet in the se boat. This is not something I chose , or wanted for myself, but finding people who appeared relatively normal and had the same thing I did made me able to come to terms with it. Everyone has their thing and this was mine. I didn't like it but I accepted it for a while.

The problem is, and this has caused stretches in my life where I can hardly function, is that maybe somewhere along the line, over the years, I stumbled across a real snuff film in my service of this fetish and that I unwittingly liked it. I never looked for anything real and I have no desire at all to hurt anyone but I can't get that fear out of my head. I always figured that it was all fake but I feel like I can't know for sure and if my fears are true, I'm not sure if it's something I can move past or if I even deserve to. I'm tired of keeping this to myself and I'm tired of feeling like I'm lying to the people around me about who i am.

I like to think I'm not a terrible person, that this is me being irrational and overly frightened but this is something that I think could break me if I don't get it off of my chest. I'd give anything for another person to tell me they get it, that I'm not alone, or that I can get past this. But I just don't know anymore. Sometimes, I'm able to calm myself down and not worry about it for a few weeks or even longer but eventually I stray back to the same thoughts and I while I try to stop myself from succumbing to this compulsion, I seem to always end up giving in and the fear perpetuates.

Any advice that anyone has to give would be greatly appreciated. I just can't keep this to myself anymore and that's why I'm here.