Well, it's generic, olanzapine. So I figured how well this has been going had to be too good to be true. Good news is that it does seem to have a firm handle on the psychosis, all the loud and chaotic and crazy stuff that would go on in my head otherwise.

But lately I've started noticing pure depression symptoms creeping up. It has been a long time since I felt this way. I'm so used to mixed states and severe agitation.

Life just occasionally feels like some overwhelming, suffocating mess that I can't deal with. Random, not-so-bad things make me feel like crying. I'm eating and sleeping more and more. Occasionally I feel so terrible, but there is nothing I can think of that would 'make it better'. Not cigarettes, not anything I want but can't have. Nothing. It really feels like suffocating emotionally, it's weird.

Today has been especially wobbly. I just want to nap constantly. Something is "wrong" but I can't figure out anything to improve it. My mother and her husband stopped for ice cream on the way home and didn't get me any, and I felt just like a little toddler about it. A few hours later I started crying for literally no reason, let alone a dumb reason. And I keep getting these short but powerful internal messages going on. Like,

I can't do this.
I'm trapped.
I can't do this.
I'm suffocating.

It's not even suicidal ideation, my mind is clear. It's all vague and quiet, but deep and powerful. It's a feeling, rather than specific thoughts.

Problem is I have a bad history with SSRIs. Maybe I should ask to switch to Abilify after all or something.