Hi everyone, I'm going to sound like a total nube here, but here it goes anyway...

I am at my "TIPPING POINT" (so they call it). Everything that I used to try doesn't work anymore. I get into arguements when i think ppl are attacking me, I fight back. An obvious defense mechanism. I was diagnosed at 16. Went to summer school every summer. Have a few but close friends. I found my outlet at 14, art. i focus on it until i forget about anything else. I was obsessed and good at artwork. Even though I am good at it, I still have low self esteem. I can't for the life of me pay my bills on time. EVEN if I have the money in my account. I have had countless jobs. I get bored easily daydream like it's no one's business. In and out of college. I got all A's in my art class but failed because I went to the wrong museum for a field trip. I forgot I had class and the last one frankly I get in the state of mind that I don't need any of this. Which that one always bites me in the butt. WHen it comes to other classes i either fail 2 times and pass it on the 3rd. I forget the days sometimes, so working retail I was never able to get a set schedule and would come in on my days off thinking that i am working and miss the days that i actually had to work. I cant handle my social life, family, work and college. my father says I am defiant. I have been told that I don't listen or care. that I am lazy. I fight because I feel like I have to stick up for myself. Others pick up my slack. And I try so hard to not do it. I don't mean to at all. But as much as I try it always happens. I forget what I am doing at work. Conversations and social conversations sometimes confuse me. I have to work 10 times harder then the other person. I have been told by family members that I use my adhd as a crutch and am straining my important relationships because of it. Some of my family think they are helping but are not. Change of environments confuse the crap out me.

my daydreams become inspiration for my artwork. But i start a project and hardly ever finish it. When I was in high school I was on and off of medication. I started with adderall, switched to strettara, worked for a little while. Now I am am back on adderall and it has been 4 yrs now. But I get so angry and anxious. And am afraid of switching. Because 7 yrs ago I stopped doing artwork for about 4 yrs total, because of an unhappy relationship. sometimes i smoke weed as a downer and in combo of adderall because it actually makes me do work and slows down my thought process so that I do not mess up my speech. or forget words or forget what i am talking about. i am able to recall it better.

I feel and know that society doesnt understand us. I always go against the grain and have problems with authority and go the complete opposite. I feel like when people tell me to change that I can't be my true self. Against all of these odds I still am positive and pick up the pieces to move on. But I am tired and exhausted at my tipping point. i started to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have been working on my awareness, and meditation. I volunteer. but like everything else I stop. Sometimes i become extremely sad to overjoyed in a matter of moments. I feel like I have to be in this mold that everyone wants me to be in and that I should feel guilty if i think otherwise. I do not feel that I have lived up to my full potential. I refuse to conform, and because of it I am stuck and don't know what to do.

When it comes to jobs the only ones that i have had are retail i can never stick with. i have worked two 3 jobs at once and just cant do it I am a graphic design major. I am now unemployed because I realize that when I switch jobs and when my environment changes, I have to relearn everything. and it is noticable to my employers. i feel like i am missing out on everything. i always feel like i missing something in life.

I have a hard time because I cannot express myself in words. which is why i paint expressionism. I paint because I need to paint to live. it is so hard to make a living off of it. i start so many business projects and never finish it. or i let myself down. i really try and do think positive. I think of ppl like jim carrey, van gogh, the creator of jet blue.I really want to switch it around and help ppl with mental illnesses and do seminars to teach society about adhd. but how can i help someone when i cant even help myself? This is only some of my experience with adhd.

Thanks for listening to my rant!