There are some things I am never going to know, probably. I have physical damage that I cannot even remember how I got it, was discovered at a doctor's visit in adulthood, and prior to that I had no idea it even existed. This was about 7 years ago. I remember going through a long and awful phase of being obsessed, freaked out and enraged about it. It was like I could never heal or move on until I knew exactly what had happened and who to blame. That never came to be the case, but I did eventually start to heal and move on. It just took a while before I was ready to only focus on the present and moving forward. I needed time for the processing to run its course, to feel obsessed, freaked out and angry. I can relate to the feeling of having a strong 'need' to know and having it drive you nuts. I can tell you that while it can be crazy-making while you process things, you can eventually heal even if you never know, and the processing will pass eventually.