Hello,

I've been working the steps for a little over a year now and I can't seem to get past step 3, turning my life over to God as I understand God. Here's why:

When I was a child of the age about 7 or 8, my mother abused crack. She would frequently home alone at night. My step-father worked 3rd shift so he wasn't home either. I would get so terrified that something terrible had happened to her (I didn't know she was abusing drugs at this time) and she was never coming home again.

I attended Catholic school and my family was somewhat religious. I was taught in school and church that when I was in trouble I could pray to God or Jesus for help. So when my mom would leave me home alone at night, I would pray to God and Jesus to bring my mother home. It never worked.

I got so angry at God & Jesus that I pretty much lost all faith and even became an atheist for a little while. I couldn't fathom how God could ignore my prayers and let me suffer like that.

During college, I was introduced to marijuana, psychedelics and Buddhism. My spiritual side began to reawaken after many years of supresion. Buddhism really resonated with me , I've been a practing Buddhist ever since.

I so desperately want to work the 12 steps to get over my crushing fear, anxiety and codependency, but my mind just will not accept step 3. Has anyone had a similar experience or any advice for Step 3? Thanks, I really appreciate it!