What is this strange word you use. Inn-SUr-ance? i don't have insurance that covers T at all so he could be into making ballon animals and no one would care but me... and that might actually be fun. Sorry.. i am a little giddy tonight, i just worked a half shift but i was run ragged.

i do feel ready, but i also know i have some pretty powerful resistence in certain areas. i have been honest about that. i have written him many letters, for a long time i did it once a week, and all of them are written in the same way as the original post of this thread... with honesty.

in my heart... *sigh... my heart is beaten bloody and confused about everything, with good reason. It is hard to know what is in my heart... but that is a direct reflection of my life right now. And i know that my concerns about my T are also linked to life issues... but where that ends and genuine concern over what is right for me... who knows?

i have started talking to him about this, and i intend to have Monday's session be mostly about this..as long as the current crisis doesn't swallow the whole thing again.

Thank you Pachyderm. i am a little gun shy about giving him anything written right now after that last letter. Not exactly because of his rxn, but in part because the whole thing caused an avalanche for me and i was pushed too far outside my zone too quickly. i still write to him i just never give it to him.

purplemoon... you are very right, and he said some of what you are saying.. that i have been in crisis so much that we could do little else. And once he said that i knew he was right about it. But what concerns me is how he operates after that point. i am worried he will still be too linear for me. When trying to deliberately talk more abuot feelings as per my request, he seemed like a guy in new shoes... kind of off balance. It makes me worry. OTOH, he has shown the gentleness i am seeking.. at times when it was in the moment.

i guess the problem may be with me. That would make sense as i am the problem generally anyway. i don't cry when i feel pain, or sometimes i don't even feel pain when pain should be there. Inside my walls i may be screaming but i will seem perfectly ok. i think he could connect and react really well if i were openly emotional with him... but i am not. i don't know how. So, we are both stuck.

He did actually wonder outloud about whether he could meet my needs given his training... which backfired because i heard "go away, go someplace else." Then he had to spend a lot of time reassuring me that wasn' the case. So he did consider it, and he decided he saw no reason why he couldn't adapt to what i wanted.

There aren't any webpages where the T's here talk about themselves.. that's just it. There's the yellowpages and the provincial assoc site.. not much else. Only a few have websites.

i don't know... i am figuring it's just me being defective as usual. Maybe any T would find me as difficult and i would not be able to connect.