I had a session today. Well, technically it was yesterday since I'm wide awake at 2:48 am.

I told him how much it blew me away that he quoted the poem. How the connection was like electric to me. Said that I analyzed what he said to the worst case scenario like I always do, and figured that maybe he was talking about just feeling my connection to him... that he wasn't experiencing a connection, too. He said, "Do you really think that it was just a one-way thing?" At least now I know it wasn't.

Then I told him that I have decided he is leaving in 6 months to a year. This came up because as the attachment grows, so does my fear of abandonment. So I decided that he is definitely going to leave... he just hasn't mentioned it yet because it's kinda far into the future.... but it's coming. He said that he wasn't going anywhere, not in 6 months, not in a year. I said fine, but I'd check back in a couple of months in case it's really a year and a half.

Then... I told him the worst part about him disclosing that emotion was that I liked it too much and that I was afraid that he would never do anything like "that" again. He said, "Do you really think I'd do something like that and then never do it again?" I hate when he asks those questions. I can't argue that. He asked me if it felt new since last week. It does. It really does feel new.

He asked if I had any dreams lately that were worth mentioning. I told him about one I had on Monday night in which I was driving a red sports car and got pulled over. Suddenly, Chase Utley (baseball player on the Phillies) appeared in the car and I %#@&#! him. Then, just as suddenly, I was back home with my husband and a baby. I wanted to change the baby's diaper, but all that was left was an apron with big splotches on it. I left to go to the store to get diapers... and then the dream was over... We talked some about the obvious dichotomy in the dream; the significance of the red sports car.

He said we only a couple minutes left in the session, and that he wanted to read me something that he had from last week. He asks me if I know of a particular psychoanalyst (forgot his name, but I have it written down), and I said no. He tells me that he thinks that this particular analyst has done a lot of work that would really resonate with me based on the stuff I'm into. He had come across a passage written by the analyst. Then he proceeds to read the passage, which he had written down, because he thought it was something that would be meaningful to me. So he starts reading it, and of course I'm melting and dying. I honestly had no idea what the %#@&#! he read. I was just so overtaken by the idea that he had picked out something that would be meaningful for me (I'm melting as I write this)... that he actually thought of me outside of the session... and that he just really, really 'gets' me. And as he's reading it, I'm overwhelmed, but I'm just comfortable... enjoying his voice. Sort of pretending it was a bedtime story... I wanted to curl up in the chair and close my eyes as he read to me. He could have read the same passage over and over again for all I cared. It was just so very safe. After he read it he asked me what I thought, and explained why he thought it would be meaningful to me. I told him that a lot of times, this time in particular, I miss out on the content in therapy because I get lost in the process. And this was definitely one of those times. He said that was okay-- that so many times content can settle in my unconscious and it will come back later. Then he read it again, and I swear I tried to pay attention, but I got lost in the moment. I asked him if I could have a copy next Friday; he said yes. Then he said, "Did I do something new again?" I said yes. Definitely new. And he said, "Do you still think I'll never do anything like 'that' again?" I'm starting to think different... Then I got up to leave and he said, "Be careful of those red sports cars..." And I said, "No kidding... I'm not watching the Phillies this weekend, either." Laughter. Then exit.

And of course.... funny therapy moment of the week:

I was trying to describe my feelings about last week's session. I was a bit nervous, and didn't feel like repeating word-for-word, what he had said in his disclosure. So brilliant me goes, "Well... you know last week, when you disclosed your thing?"

disclosed your thing?

What's wrong with me?

So he starts laughing and goes, "Disclosed my thing? Sorry, but.... " and keeps laughing.

I have such a way with words.

I seriously feel like I am going to die before next Friday gets here. Why why why do I have to need him so much? And why why why does he keep doing these amazing things which only make me need him more? Therapy causes the most %#@&#! up emotions. I mean consider it... I need him so badly. And he is fulfilling those needs in every way that he can (or at least every way that is appropriate). In turn, I come to need him more at which I hurt more. So..... when does this %#@&#! help? When I can internalize it and feel taken care of outside of session? Right now it's still zero object constancy. The sessions are like a fix for my usual empty, disconnected feeling. I DO NOT want to call him this week. I just don't see how I can get through it. Unbelievable. Almost two years with him and it hurts right now more than it ever has. Because I am more attached than I ever have been. I wish the hurt and the pain would go away so that I could just enjoy the connectedness. But unfortunately I leave it at the door when I go.