Hard session yesterday. Told T I felt like walking out the room but then said I wouldn't know what to do after that.

T asked me what walking out the room was about? I said I wanted to punch her like I felt punched. I want her to hurt like I hurt.

T said that back to me in her words. Then I told her it maybe interesting for her to do this, but these are my feelings.

She nodded in agreement. Then I forced myself to keep talking, although I wanted to be as far away from her as possible, and told her that I felt she was a long way away from me.

T replied "Thats where you've put me?" I couldnt believe it when she said that. I started to really sob and remembered somewhere deep inside me doing that with my adoptive mother.

It was so hard to accept this. Its always been what others have done to me, and I've never seen me, what I do. I've always focused outside of me.

T continued to speaks, low and give me short explainatioins for statements I was making and I was getting more frustrated that I couldn't turn this into a "scene". That I couldnt get T into my drama.

I've been thinking since and wondering, if all I know about T is the very little part of her that I meet in that room twice a week, then the intense feelings I feel about her, if some of them aren't really feelings I have toward my own self gut give away???

I mean I love the way I am cherised in that room, but her the person, I know little about.

Maybe I need to take some of that love I feel toward T and feel it toward myself, cherish myself? I know when I do that for short moments I don't feel lonely, and lonely is what I feel when I think of the upcoming long summer break.

Maybe I need to right size T a bit more and give me some of the love I give her?

Part of me is afraid to know that some of what I feel toward her isn't about her at all. WHy? I guess its like a child that needs to believe their care giver is god, until they develop enought of their own ego strenght?

I think inside I'm begining to think I know this, and not yet strong enought to take back some of the power I've given to T because I feel I'd be all alone, but I guess thats part of the gradual process?