I identify with what you have said so much. There are differences, quite a bit of them but oh so many similarities.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
I'm currently on vacation, and my major occupation is to spend my whole day in front of my computer, while other people (the socialy active people) are enjoying the precious time they have as young and energetic humans. ?
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Not really on vacation more of an all-around state of being but true.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
I wonder where I screwed up. I don't seem to have had a traumatizing childhood, nor genes that prone me to social illness, ?
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True, so very true.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
but the fact is I can't stand people.?
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Its not that I can't stand people just can't stand to be around them.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
I don't know who to blame : them or me ? ?
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I don't really know who to blame but I know who I end up blaming - myself.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
Everytime I'm on their vicinity, it's like all my strenght is being absorbed. ?
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Every time I'm in their vicinity it is more like all my strength and all my courage just seeps away.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
What frustrates me even more is that, sometimes, very rarely, I happen to be very sociable and cheerful. ?
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Its more being sociable and managing civility/tolerance than cheerful, yes.
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Originally Posted by Kamiomi
So I can be like that, but how ? How am I supposed to maintain that state long enough to finally enjoy life ?
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...and you've struck gold. One of the biggest questions of my life.
Hmm... I have dissected your post, turned it all about me, am I selfish yet? If I leave it here, probably yes.
Among the many things I'd like to say...
You are not alone
You are not alone in your suffering, not alone in leading this differential existence. Not alone in questioning, not alone in being due to the unanswerable quality of it, entirely too miserable.
Does that help even a little bit? I hope so as I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart intend it to be.
Also, for being one of the biggest questions of my life it is one for which I have startlingly few answers.
I have my good days, I have my bad days. I can only hope for and work towards more of the good and less of the bad and hope for similar for you.
You won't always be as tired or as frustrated with life. You've mentioned being on vacation. A vacation is the time for a break, a time for rest. Maybe you need a break from being sociable too along with the general pressures of your daily life.
Be sociable if/when you want to but similarly, if you feel unsociable remain unsociable as long as you are content to. Be whatever and however you want to be as long as your fulfilling one main point of your vacation - rest and rejuvenation.
Let other 'more socially active' people have their pursuits. As long as you are enjoying this time in your life, even as your activities are vastly different, carry on.
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