Hey shattered sanity, I hope you are well. I am feeling better now, the emotions not as sharp presently, though as always with emotions, they peak and dip in their own time, dancing to its own tune.

Official diagnosis 13-14 yrs back says major depression and social phobia. Where meds are concerned, I stopped cold some 10 years ago because they were more temptation than help. It is not something I intend to re-visit. The medication I am on now through necessity (for diabetes) are horror enough. I just pray I never have that downturn.

As for therapy my social anxiety has built up so much since then that it is pretty much a no go too. I'd need someone to physically drag me out and there is no one at home capable or more like no one willing in fear of being culpable a bit of both actually. I don't have many people in real life that I can go to as a bunch of them are unaware there is a problem at all and those that know there is a problem are unaware of the extent of it. I have my two pillars ever present and ever so beloved but they are old and I am afraid of them crumbling, afraid of adding to their burden so most of the time I don't let on how bad it gets at times.

Most of my help these days is through luck and well wishes and the goodwill of others that choose to lend their (virtual) support. Most of the time it is more than enough, though sometimes just barely. The times it is not, I just have to weather through.
Generally speaking 60% of the time I am fine, I can get easily by. 30 % of the time it is hard but I make it through. 8% of the time it is horrible, I'm living on prayer and scared out of my mind. 2% of the time is when I truly do not know; I do not know how or if I will make it through. A part of me can recognize that I'm not stable enough to get by without therapy entirely and that it would definitely be easier with. But I also know that it needs to not be an attempt, that I should actually stick to it and right now that's impossible. I'm part a of the bandwagon 'why fix it if it ain't broke' and I am not broken yet.

Wow! that turned out quite long-winded. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts, for your concern and for your reply. It warms me or to be more poetically minded - It warms me, calms me and safely surrounds me as and when I need it to.

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Hello waterknob1234, I hope you are doing well presently.
It is good to know that I am not alone in this; that there is one more with me on this uphill climb.
Thank you. Thank you for replying, for identifying. Peace and well wishes to you as well.

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