I've known for six months that T was retiring but today was still so difficult. I have so much grief. I love him so much amd feel like we had something really special. But now I may never see him again. He had his therapist front on...compassionate but there was a bit of a wall up.He said that he has to say ggoodbye to everyone this week and I was the first. I guess he needs to pace himself emotionally because there have been times when I felt he was more directly engaged with me in regards to his own feeling toward me.

But he did ask for a hug at the end which we have never done before. I had asked him before to hold me (in the past) and he had refused to touch me. Today he held me and stroked my hair. I told him I loved him and he said "you too".

I have so much grief. I cant stop crying and wails emerge from me uncontrolled. I feel like no one in my life can understand why I am so attached to him. And my husband doesn't like him and doesn't like that I care so much, so I feel I have to hide my grief from him. But I cant hide my grief. So much loss....