This is seriously slipping into a lot of my life now. I thought I could make a commitment to go self-harm free for the working week so that I'm not so ill that it affects my work (seriously need my brain in the next 4 weeks to get everything completed to a high standard!)...but I failed today. I guess I'll try again tomorrow, it has to happen at some point....this is getting stupid as it's been 2 months now. I want it to burn out already. Problem is that I want to make a commitment to stop but I did that then she left so the association is - if you're fine, people leave. Damn, that isn't reality brain! They're all leaving now too - as if I can control anything! I feel out of control.

I'm having to negotiate responses to end of therapy reports and remember sporadic appts with my GP whilst knowing deep down things are going to be a train wreck if my ex ex therapist disappears. My parents can't do anything more than they are doing, and my goodness they are hugely supportive but sitting with me for a few hours to get me over the worst of it on the evening which I have told them is my potentially worst night for self harm, whilst being the most amazing and caring thing to eve do, is also quite upsetting because I know it won't prevent anything...maybe it will give me less time? Except they'll make me eat and damn I do not want to but I will for them because I'm not a complete unappreciative disappointment. But then I have to balance that out when they leave because she'll be more angry with me... But what more can any of us do?

I need to get a grip. I want to fly off the handle at her rather than giving a measured and considered response to her report that simply asks for clarification. But that's what you have to do, push it down, be reasonable and responsible, put away your emotions and pretend. I guess I can melt down with my parents, except really...I'm very honest with them but there is only so much I feel I can pressure them with.