The scary thing is that I'm not sure there is "worked out". If I come off this the list of remaining meds has even more scary side effects and an equal or greater risk of EPS in some form. When akathesia risk is super high the med is out b/c I've had that badly several times, once landing me in an ER and once IP for a week. I'm heading for Clozaril if we don't find something soon. I should get another trial of Latuda but b/c my hospital doesn't let drs get samples without a specific patient and situation in mind getting the samples I need for a trial has turned out to be tough, tougher than my dr says it usually is because of changes in the drug rep who has little incentive to spend much time on my hospital since they don't allow the reps without all kinds of permissions and restrictions. (Which I greatly appreciate most of the time; I know my dr is deciding based on her own ideas, not just the drug fresh in her mind from lunch, consciously or unconsciously. But I do miss samples...).

But I'm also just down tonight trying to handle this because I'm hurting, the oral motor stuff scares the crap out of me because of what it was like the first time (and that time the place I was contracted to work decided I was on drugs and asked my company to remove me and never let me back in their doors, rejecting all offers of as many drug tests as they wanted and explanations that I was on medication causing the problem and had stopped it but it would take time to leave my body). I also know the oral motor stuff if visible completely freaks out my mom and understand why.

Geodon was what caused the bad problems for me the first time. It was my first AP I think.

I did get a new script for cogentin that was written to take it twice a day so tomorrow I'll try that. I've been taking it all at night which seemed to work fine but maybe it will work better if divided. I don't know. My pdoc wants to keep the dose of it as low as possible because of side effects.

When I went on my AD, Emsam, it was like magic. It started working and kept working and nothing bad happened. I just want that again. The next drug on my pdoc's list is another she's not prescribed in a long time and I read that it has been taken off the market since she prescribed it. I don't know what happens after that drug. Perphenazine I think and then I'm through most of the typicals she's said were ok so I don't know if that means clozaril or if it means trying something that might be less effective.

I mostly just don't want to lose ground. I'm finally feeling pretty good. 7 months of episode is enough and I know it's still there waiting if the dose is lowered.

Sorry, I'm just babbling about this because it scares me and I know my pdoc can't do much until I see her again unless things get worse than they are and things are worse today because I lowered with my klonopin and valium doses yesterday. I'm still needing a lower valium dose tonight but that dose seems to be enough with the klonopin. I hope.