Let me try to be succinct but complete. Meds haven't helped and so far I haven't connected with the right therapist.

I was bullied from 6-12th grade and suffered from debilitating migraines. I came home to a bullying mother who blocked me from sports, jobs, friends, camp, etc.

I was also love-shy in the full sense of it - not just shy but paradoxically obsessed with the beauty and impossible perfection of women and daydreaming but doing little about it.

At 23 I met my first and only girlfriend, who I married after some hiccups at 30.

Now in my mid 40's the marriage has been tested a bit, my career stagnant, etc. Last year I started taking stock of my life and spending maybe 6-10 hours a day thinking about high school and what I could have done differently. Mostly, about how in HS and college I missed my chance to have girlfriends (or even just platonic dates).

I started scanning my old photos into the computer and I got OCD about all the scanner settings, what names to use for files, and worried I would lose photos.

Then things took a bad turn.

I started scanning my wife's old photos of the same era from her. She forgot all the things she had, and I could see she had a normal growing up that she has been hiding a bit from me (as a bit of kindness as she knows my past).

I went down a dark and shameful path and read all her diaries, calendars, letters, etc. I labeled, catalogued, created spreadsheets. In a way I became her, in exploring her life.

I wanted to be her, or I wanted to meet her as a teen, or I wanted to feel what it was like to be one of those boyfriends. I wanted to be me, too, in different scenarios where I could replay and improve the past.

I want to understand her past, my past, my jealousy, my "what ifs" and make sense of it all. I minored in philosophy and I have this stupid notion I can sort everything out and make sense of it - if only I was logical enough.

I think this is Pure-O. I don't know if anyone wants to weigh in here. Meanwhile, these thoughts are pretty much my life and have been since last December.