As I have been trying to educate myself fanatically since my diagnosis, a lot of people seem to really grasp the different phases (mania, hypo, etc.), and are able to grasp when they are taking place.

For those that do, I am curious if you were aware before your dx or has it been a learning process since your dx. I also have curiousity about whether life has improved because of being able to comprehend the different phases in regards to your own life.

I guess the reason for my curiousity is because of my mid 40's dx and how overwhelmed I have been. With 18 months of treatment behind me, I feel as though my team hasn't even scratched the surface yet, and I'm losing hope quick and fast. I cannot focus on any one idea to help improve my life, I am as confused as ever, impatient, and am getting fed up with myself yet again just as before my dx.

Perhaps a good way to describe my brain 99% of the time, is that it's like a tornado constantly spinning with ideas to improve my happiness. When I was younger, I would pick one and go for it. Now, to not add insult to injury, rather than pick one I prefer to wait for one to jump out of the vortex of my mind to go for. However, due to being at poverty level, most of the ideas are not realistic. So, I don't have many ways to improve my life, which would improve my happiness, which makes me more miserable each passing day of my life.

So it's back to where I've been so many times. Why do I continue to wake and consume precious goods that others need and deserve, and continue to suffer? Or, did I go way too many years untreated for my brain to recover?