Well I am not sure what this means for you but I think it is pretty normal to look back at our lives and think about what could have happened differently and how this would have changed things for us. You are not the only one obsessing, for me it is thoughts about a man in his mid-forties, married and has kids. Do you have kids? You did not say. Anyways, I obsess a lot about being in his life, what it might be like somehow. It is an obsession that has gone on for a couple years however. It is getting better. I think if I had more going on in my own life that I could put into perspective and just be thankful for, I'd probably not obsess so much about wanting to be in his life, because it seems like it would be perfect. Logically, I know it wouldn't be, but in my mind, I would be so happy with him.
Anyways, I am sorry to hear about you being bullied and then your mom on top of it all. Hang in there, I think you are doing some incredible work exploring your life and your relationships. It's great you are talking about it here, as it would be difficult to keep all that to yourself. Thanks for sharing. I think it is very brave of you.