So it is nearing the 8 month mark since attempting suicide. I'm worried I may be heading down the same road again. I think that meds plateau after a certain amount of time. I stopped taking the lamotrigine (prescription ran out and haven't refilled it yet). I'm still on wellbutrin and gabapentin but I want to stop those too so I can just feel what it is like to not be on any substances (except caffeine lol). I passed the 100 day mark for sobriety but am in the same place there too. I haven't done the 12 steps, lost momentum, don't know if I ever will even though I think I am supposed to. Step 3 is where I get stuck because I don't trust enough to let go and turn my life over to God. Sometimes I don't see God as loving and I don't trust enough that bad things won't happen. So I don't do it. And I don't move forward. I've stopped going to meetings and I'm now starting to get depressed about not being able to drink like a normal person.
In therapy, I am now to every other week. The med provider is now going 6 months out for the next appointment. So I feel like I'm supposed to be better and moving on which is why I want to go off the meds. The therapist is so proud of me and every session seems like she is wrapping things up. Like there is no space to bring up new material, we are coming to an end and moving on. Is it normal that I'm right back where I was - doesn't it make sense to just avoid the things that are hard and stay unaware? I don't know how to go deeper and get better. And I don't know if this is the right therapist for that journey anyways as she seems to be happy on the surface talking about school and work. I'm not being honest with her either because she thinks I moved on about the last therapist and I did not. I just won't talk to her about it because I think she wants me to be moved on from it. Like wishing it will make it so. Or hopeful thinking or something. It is better than it was I guess, I still miss him though. It's almost been a month since I last emailed him saying I loved him so much I am letting him go. Took me that long to get there though. I wasn't ready to let go of him and still felt like I needed him so much. So I have made progress there - just not the kind of progress my t thinks I have made about it.
I don't know what I'm looking for in this post, I just wanted to reach out because I don't want to go down that path again. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to go there again. I feel I am straddling a positive place where there are good things going on in my life and if I just stay positive and focus on that I will be fine. Just wondered if anyone else has ever been stuck (or felt like it) in therapy, or in life, and what they did to overcome and get past that. Thanks.