If you don't want to go down that road again, you need to take a few steps in the opposite direction:

1. Call your pdoc and let him/her know what is going on with you right now. Meds may need to be adjusted. You don't have to wait until your appointment. That is what phone calls are made for. Be sure you tell him you stopped taking your lotramogine; don't restart it without guidance about tapering up again. You can't just start right up where you left off.

2. Call your therapist and tell her exactly what is going on. Make her hear that you feel you are headed down that road again. Impress on her that this is a clear downswing.

3. Do NOT stop taking your meds. You know you are not well. Stopping them right now doesn't make any sense at all and is a bit self-destructive. You know that.

Start there.

If possible, get yourself back to your meetings. Do you have a sponsor? Call them. You are going to actively have to do the opposite of what your depression is telling you to do right now or you probably will go down that road again. I've been in your shoes. I know it is hard. I also know I had to fight every self-destructive impulse I had to get through those times.

So sorry you are feeling poorly. It sucks. Keep us updated.