Lola, Thanks for your advice, those are great ideas and things that are manageable. Definitely helps me make sense of what is going on and what I need to do about it. I have an appt with t on thurs so that will be a good thing. I think part of me just wants to pretend I don't have this thing that I need to actively fight and deal with and take care of all the time. I guess it is me who just wishes I were magically well and that this thing has all been in my head all along. That I could just change my thoughts about it and then "think" it away ha ha! I do wish I were strong enough to do that and succeed with it. I guess I just thought back to past times - in my early 20's... I went off wellbutrin and was depressed but I just went through the depression and eventually came out on top of it. But you are correct about needing to see the pdoc to have her assistance with it if I want to come off meds (which is probably not the best idea I know, I just wish I did not have to take pills every day, get refills each month and spend all the money on them... I'm just whining about it now lol!). But yeah, last time I just up and stopped the wellbutrin, 2 weeks later I'm recovering from the suicide attempt, so yes, not the best idea - especially without the guidance of the doc.
It is so easy to slide into a neglectful (lazy) phase and just stop caring for myself - physically, it has been weeks, since I've done anything real active. I got out backpacking not so long ago - that was good! I need to hold onto the good things, it is so easy to forget those memories fast and focus on the traumatic negative ones that are burned into my memory. I need to start taking care of myself again. I just feel like I make so many promises - like oh, I'm going to really start meditating. But then I just don't get started. I don't want this to be just another failed attempt or promise (intention) that I won't keep. My diet is turning to crap, the past two days, aside from work and a family party, it seems all I've done is stuff my face and sleep. It is shameful! It made me think of being like an infant again, but that is so sad and depressing that I am an adult and should be in a way different place than where I am now (at least in my mind I should be... the part that compares myself to everyone else my age).
Sorry for all this rant, it is just good to reconnect here and spill my guts all over again. Thanks guys. So how is everyone else doing? Lola, it is good to hear that you have been there, that you know what it is like and that you seemed to have changed your outcome. For the better? Where are you at with it all today?