Hankster, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending you strength and prayers for you and your family during this time. Thanks for your support, even when you are going through a loss and grief, you still reach out and help others. Thank you. I didn't know I would be missed here, so it is nice of you to say that. I guess I just got distracted and then months went by. There are good things going on too, I didn't mean to just tell the negative, but it is like when you have started to fall or something, and maybe you hit your head - you aren't focused on the parts of your body that don't hurt, only your head cause it is what hurts lol! So the good things are that I've been spending a lot of time with my family, and that I started going back to school. It has been stressful and I don't know if I have it in me, but I'm trying. I don't want to give up, I just started! So I have a test today and then class later. Other things going good - I still have a therapist, so I'm thankful for that and go to see her in 2 days. Thankful for my cat, she is the best cuddler, so cute and I love her. I have not been doing much of anything besides school, work and being with family. I am thankful for my job, that I have a job and an income. Other things that are stressful are trying to get by on not a lot of income, and car troubles, but those are definitely "first world problems". I got used to the ease and comfort at a certain level and it is harder to try and manage any other way. I wish I were stronger with that. I think if I had to - like if I had kids or something - then I would find a way to do it. That is what you do, you find a way forward, find a way to go on, to survive. It is not that hard and it is not all bad. There was this thing that happened with a boy that set me back a little too. Makes me realize I'm not ready to make new friends or go out and be alone with a guy anywhere in the near future. I guess that rules out dating and relationships. Which makes me sad and feel lonely but I can't magically make myself ready for that and just be better. I guess it will just take time but I feel like I'm running out. How long is it going to take? How long till I get better and what if I never do? What if I never get a chance to have a family? To have a place of my own? To fall in love like I did with my ex-T in a way where I can actually be with the person.
Sometimes it is just hard to keep hoping. There is a blank space where hope should be. And on top of all that, my sleep schedule is so mixed up. I don't know if I can ever keep to a routine, which I desperately need, but then I just rebel against it. I don't care at work, which will get me fired quick unless I change and just do a good job just like they want. They want more, they always want more. But I am probably not even giving the minimum to that job. I am lucky to not be fired already but I got fired from two jobs in less than 2 years. Hard to want to give when it is just another job and I am just another cog in the wheel that can be replaced today if they wanted. It is crushing to give your best and get fired, so I figure, if at least I don't give my best and get fired, then it will be for that instead of for me giving my best at it and getting fired because who I am and what I did. Maybe it is just a way to protect myself and try and control but it is also a little self-sabotaging. Like I'm just asking them to fire me almost. Go ahead, I'm not going to care. You can't make me care. I won't.
So anyways. There is all that. Sorry for unloading on you guys, it really has been awhile. Thanks for listening. (and ps. I do miss touch and wish it were possible for that to be safe but apparently, it is not. virtual hugs it is then...)