I lurk here a lot and don't post much but I really wanted to ask you a question...Have you been reading my journal?!

Your therapy experience sounds very much like mine. I know that longing, and that deep connection that feels like a life line and yet so fragile that you are almost afraid to pull at it at all. And since you are "in the business" there is that intellectual understanding of the process that in no way helps it hurt less. For me, it makes me think I "shouldn't" struggle with it and against it so much. I've been in therapy for 4 years. The need for my therapist and allowing myself to believe he won't abandon me is still huge. We talk about "therapist-constancy" (object constancy) a great deal. He tells me it would be easier if I'd just let myself have the connection without the worry but he understands that I just can't do that for any length of time.

I also wanted to say that I really appreciated your explanation on the other thread related to this post. The idea of a therapist letting a client know they are special can be very healing. I've had this conversation more than once, about wanting to be special. My therapist says, "of course you're special to me. We work very deeply on very intimate issues. How can that not effect me as well?" I loved that. And then of course I worried that I effected him too much.

Therapy is hard work. It really sounds to me like you are having a wonderful, intense, painful and ultimately life-changing experience with it. Your future clients are very lucky.