Hi Anichka, I have had similar thoughts(still do to greater or lesser extent). More recently I've felt that the hurt I would inevitably cause if I acted on carries more Weight than it sometimes does. I have a nephew and niece and I don't want to mess up their heads before they've even grown up. Also my husband would be devastated and probably go into hypomania with consequences for his job and security for the rest of his life. I keep pictures as wallpaper on my phone of my nephew and niece and that helps me stay safe. Do you have anyone you care about like they are for me? I don't want to sound preachy, I really get what you're saying, just hope some of my ramblings might help, now or sometime soon.