Sounds like you know being at home is not good for you. It is certainly easy to fall back into being cared for when it's something others are pushing for... what you wrote there though sounds like something you have heard before, perhaps in one of dad's tirades? I had everything I could ask for growing up as well. I could probably still get just about anything if I asked the right person and followed through with the right favors... it's challenging to step out of, but most certainly possible.

I'm sorry you are struggling again so much right now... you are dealing with a lot. It's ok to need help sometimes (though I suppose if you truly just rely on others all the time, then it's a good time to try to flex those self-care muscles and kick your own butt into gear... I can't shake the feeling though that all those disparaging things you wrote about yourself are scripts you've adopted as your own. Call me on it if I'm wrong though, as I don't know you well. I think I remember some of your older posts, but I'm not totally sure).

Recovery is hard. Sobriety is hard. It's OK to need ongoing help with it all. A magic fix would be awesome. Lemme know if you find one

I also understand the concept of not giving your all to a job (or anything) so when a failure happens it's not as devastating as it could be. On the flip side of that, what if you give more and succeed? You wrote that you can never bed trusted to do anything right. what would it take to rebel against that standard you've taken on as your own?

Glad you are back, and glad you are looking for support when you need it. Also, virtual hugs abound.