I either self harm in order to train myself to be ok cutting into my skin in case I want to kill myself at a later date, or if I feel I need punishment for something I've done. Generally if I convince myself that I've either materially hurt or driven away my best friend, it's a fair bet I will be cutting that night. Of course. I never have actually materially hurt him, or driven him away. He always confirms that. It's just in my head. I hate that my head isn't reliable anymore. I hate all of who I am.
Thank you everyone for the validation. That's nice. Validation is nice. I'd like to at least not be fake in my depression.