I'm so sorry, Anichka. I've been in similar situations, even though I am Christian myself. Because I'm suicidal myself I'm probably not the best person to be trying to give you advice, so I won't try. I'll just say—you are a unique person, and you are loved, by your husband, at the very least. Try to hang on for him if not for yourself. You give a piece of yourself to everyone you're close to, and if you died, those pieces would all die too, leaving all of those people perpetually incomplete. I don't know if that thought helps you. It helps me. I know you don't believe in God, but I will pray for you.