Well, to be fair it gets pretty hard to say no to it, after I've been triggered. See. I either self harm while suicidal, and the purpose of it is to train myself to hurt myself so that I can kill myself later, or as punishment. If I didn't do it during either of those times, I'm sure it'd only fuel the thoughts of weakness, and make me feel even more false. I know that my thinking gets irrational when I've been triggered, but at that point there's no stopping it. And if my friend can't drop whatever he's doing to talk to me, it gets a lot worse. But anyway.
I don't know, maybe I want to be suicidal. Maybe I want to cut. Maybe I'm not actually depressed and just am this messed up as a person. Maybe I'm doing it for attention. Maybe I'm being manipulative. Maybe I could just snap out of it. Maybe I don't want to. Who, in the end, is really to say?