What you've been doing is not that bad. I'm not trying to downplay anything, but just saying you can relax. My most intense episodes ever.. well I've broken federal law, been homeless, had sexual activities with a complete stranger and thrown something at a supervisor on the job. Among other things. And amazingly I'm still here, healthy, safe and not a terrible person. I am sure I haven't seen the last of super episodes, either. Someday you will be reflecting back on this time in your life and having a wise chuckle about it.