IOP: Final Week

Sorry I haven't really updated since last week. Things have been going well in IOP and I officially discharge on Friday.

I'm having mixed emotions about discharging, both nervous and ready. Everyone who has started the program before me, and three people who started after me, have officially gone now, and I have basically an all new group. We're not supposed to compare ourselves but I don't exactly feel bad about my progress/status because I entered the program for a reason. Also, i'm still new learning skills each day which is a big, big plus.

Last week I had a depressive spell, and ended up calling Iris to talk me through it. She was glad that I called and called me back twice to make sure I would be safe/okay to make it through the night.

Saw Joy again, and was prescribed Buspar in addition to the Vistaril because I was doubling up the Vistaril (with permission) and it helped me sleep but at the same time, I feel like my anxiety is rising outside of the four hours I find the Vistaril maybe effective. They said it will take the Buspar some time to actually get in my system, and today is the first day i've taken it, so I should know next week whether or not it is effective. I see her, one last time, tomorrow. She is very genuinely pleased with my progress.

I've been trying to let people in (specifically Lily) and today during group the conversation ended up making me cry. Lily and I talked later about what was triggered, and I was able to kind of share some things that I took months or a year or so to tell T. I didn't go in detail, but she did give me a good talking to and its the first time I was able to really be vulnerable about some of my past stuff. Hopefully this means I will be able to transition into those same topics with T and really address some of the things I've hid away for years. Oddly enough, I feel like I can trust Lily more than T with that level of vulnerability maybe because she's been here for me in a crisis state, or maybe its just the way she is both technique/relational while T seems a bit more relational but less technique. However, Lily talked to T (part of transitioning back) and told me that she asked T to keep up with the skills i've been taught, etc. I love T to pieces, I really do, but I am starting to wonder if we need to back away a little on the relationship and delve more into addressing certain things. I don't know, I guess I'm starting to have fears of leaving a structured environment and falling back into old habits and "comfortable" sessions with T.

I've been integrating back into my job, and it seems to get better each time. Last shift I worked ended up being my first "normal" shift (emotion and behavior wise) that i've had in a long time. Work, and how I react to it, is one of the things that the program is monitoring with me especially this last week.

My suicidal urges have become basically non-existent. I don't know when it changed, but gradually my mood charts that we fill out daily have improved everywhere (suicide, agitation, mood, energy, sleep, etc.) with the exception of panic attacks. I've begun having nightmares, very specific to the past trauma I opened up with Lily about but i'm less afraid to face them now than I would have been before.

I'm really going to miss this program, but I feel okay about leaving. I have the ability to see them weekly after discharge for group (a service for all clients who complete the program) but I don't think I want to engage in that for now at least. I want to begin integrating myself back into the world with a focus on applying my skills, continuing setting goals and affirmations and transitioning back to T (who I've been updating and she's been checking on me, throughout the whole program).

Overall i'm really feeling more stable and okay. I have a lot of work to do which makes me fearful about leaving, but I have the tools to acknowledge and accept that fear without feeling the need to dismiss it or allowing it to consume me - I know that I am capable of doing this.

Anyways, i'm making the most of my last few days and really trying to take in all that I can. It's been such a great program and I seriously think that if I keep up with the healthy mindset and empowerment they have given me that I can really get some control back over my life.

Will update with a final review likely on Friday, after I get discharged.