I was sexually molested and raped by a male physician
from age 3-10. It was the first, real memory I have.
3 years later I started having nightmares about the Holocaust.
In many of them I am a teenager being raped by the Third Reich.
I have had the Holocaust nightmares for 30 years:
2 failed marriages, each lasting less than 2 years.

Each time I am in an intimate relationship I have flashbacks
during intimacy of either the doctor or the Third Reich raping me.
When this happens, the relationship is over for me.

I feel like I am living in my own personal war zone.

I started going to therapists before high school was over.
All they wanted to do is tell me how men think and act.
I never got better.

I am now 44. Have not been on a date in a decade.
Someone asked me a couple of years ago
if I ever considered finding a therapist who has the
same spiritual/ religious beliefs as I do.

I took their advice.
My life has gotten much better.
Not only is he a licensed therapist, he is also my Rabbi.
I am learning to trust again.
The spiritual component was missing from my
therapy sessions. He has been able to get my
Holocaust nightmares to stop.
And, I have been able to open up to him and
talk to him about the sexual abuse.

He is optimistic that I can have a successful relationship
sometime in the future. But, my partner will need to
attend therapy sessions with me to understand
how my PTSD effects me.

Also, after being in therapy with my Rabbi,
I have come to realize I only want to try and
date men who have the same belief system I do.

Hang in there & keep searching for what feels right.