The thing about the therapy relationship that has bothered me the most is the idea that the relationship isn't "real" in any conventional sense. That it is strictly business, that my T only cares about me when she's on the clock. It's difficult for me to accept that a process based upon digging through my deepest insecurities, fears, and anger must be such a clinical endeavor.

Today my T had to be somewhere else right after our appointment, and I could see her glancing nervously at the clock a number of times throughout the last half-hour of our session. It bothered me a lot, enough that I'm going to call her on it next session. Here I was laying my soul bare, going far back into my past to lay some really heavy stuff on the line, and she was checking the clock.

It isn't only that. Her facial expressions are so.... practiced. So fake, so trained. From her default "blank slate" expression, she shifts so easily and rapidly between "concern", "understanding" and "sympathy". None of these facial responses seem to be genuine; they look like the expressions of someone who's trained to react quickly and "correctly" to the various stimuli they get from a wide range of people. The only genuine expression I see on her face is when she smiles; I love to make her smile not only because it's so beautiful (yeah, I've got it bad) but because that's the only time I know I've disarmed her and gotten through to something that hasn't been trained into her.

I understand that the therapist sees a lot of people in his/her day, and must listen to, process, and wrestle with a lot of things. But sometimes I feel like a piece on an emotional assembly line. I'm more than a "client", T. I'm more than an hour on your schedule. I'm a human being, and I need you to be one to me.

Does anyone else have these kinds of frustrations with the therapy process? Does anyone else see the sort of thing I'm talking about in their own sessions?