I really just want to rant and let off some steam... so this will be one of those types of posts.

I need friends, but I realize that I don't actually want them. I've said in my previous posts that people don't like me much. I read about how people, I think with aspergers syndrome, might be completely avoidant by the time they reach adulthood due to years of perhaps bullying or social exclusion by their peers. Although I completely relate to this, I don't relate to people with aspergers syndrome at all. I don't know how I'm not functioning normally, and it can be so troubling. I'm just so tired of trying and trying and not making any friends, and if anything, I'm regularly belittled for trying. I've learned that I probably should not try and instead let people come to me, or gravitate to the very few who show open friendliness. People have made fun of how friendly I am. People are defensive of their friends, too, and I've been attacked by the friends of those I'm trying to befriend. It was actually the cause of some bullying I've been through when I was younger, where a friend of someone I'm becoming close to will start insulting me and gang up on me with their own friends.

I just don't even want friends anymore. I want to exclude myself from the friends I do have before they let me down, too, and remain a strange hermit who makes themselves useful through their technical expertise and work skills, and probably enough friendliness to make some social contacts. Even if I'm made fun of for being friendless or friend-lacking, especially since I'm a woman, what choice do I have? I'll just ignore it. My few friends think I'm some kind of amazing person, and I don't know how I fooled them. However, they never introduce me to their own friends, so I wonder if I'm an embarrassment for them. My intuition tells me my oddness would be hard to explain to other people, like how an attractive women is sure of herself and likes thinking about the world at large, not about people and gossip. That's who I am, and I can't and don't want to change that about myself. I think it's wrong for people to tell me I should change and gossip more, and stop thinking about big ideas we have no control over. I'm proud of myself for being that way. I have no interest in men other than perhaps friendship or interest in their life, although I somehow have a boyfriend. I think people act like I'm bad or weird for being thoughtful or immaterial or how I avoid showing off as much as possible, although admitting that on here might make me seem arrogant. Maybe my friends are just using me, and I'll find out in the future during some very painful realization. However, I don't think I'm anti-social in the least, but very avoidant. I don't remember once wanting to hurt someone except in a small incident during childhood, but I do remember time and again trying to socialize but being rejected, sometimes very harshly...

So, that's what is stopping me from making any new friends. I put on a hard shell during friendly interactions, and inside I'm shaking in fear. It doesn't help that my childhood wasn't pretty. I wonder if it's too late for me.