Thanks for thinking of me lunatic soul! I've miss you guys here and didn't mean to disappear. I never went to see my ex-t. His supervisor called me and said that it was not possible because of boundary issues. I asked if it was his side or mine. She said, that would be yours. I say "oh." She said "you went to his house", which is true, I was having a panic attack and thought I was dying. I think to myself how he is the one who gave me the address. I tell her this and also tell her that I hope he doesn't give all his patients his address because that is f***d up. I was upset and crying, that's why I said that. I hang up and process and deal. Basically, I lose it. But then call the next day and ask if we could not get a meeting together between the two of us (ex-t and I) with a 3rd party, just for closure. She said that wasn't possible to do there because I wasn't a client there. I don't remember everything else, I may have asked her if she would ask him if we could have such a meeting somewhere else. I don't remember if she talked to him or not, all I remember is how she told me that he would "feel uncomfortable" to get together for a closure meeting. So that was that. I was, of course, crushed.
At one point, I was ready to call and file a formal complaint against him. He is the one who gave me his home address, phone number, email, and met up with me outside of being a client. But I came to my senses and realized that hurting him would not make me feel better. What would make me feel better is seeing him or having him in my life, but that is just not going to happen ever.
I processed it with current t. She tries to understand. She thinks I am to a point where I am "over it" and have "moved on" and that is fine - let her think that. She really doesn't need to know how much I still think of him, how I will never be "over it" and how there will always be a hole in my heart that only he can fill.
I'm still grateful for everything now. Because now I know what it feels like to love someone. And I would not ever take that back for all the world. I'll take the pain. At least it means he meant something to me. And, I will never give up hope for him being in my life again. It is like when a parent loses a child, they never give up hope that the child will come back.
Although, I emailed him the last email a month ago letting him go. I thought about the saying how if you love someone, set them free... If they come back to you, they're yours, but if they don't, it was never meant to be. There will always be a place in my heart and soul for him. His spirit is with me and all the things he taught me and his energetic footprint. These things will always stay with me.