Lolagrace:

I also once was able to confront someone who hurt me. It was my mentor from church. She abandoned me after a yrauma happened to her. Actually, she kinda abandoned me twice. I found her again a few years later and went to confront her. I did feel a little better. She seemed sincere and asked that we spend time together. I agreed and we had a little mini date. Then I found out that she moved a month later w/o telling me. She abandoned me again! Least I wasn't really hurt the 3rd time around.

I also confronted my h.s. counselor who told me I would never graduate h.s. because I'd wind up killing myself befire then... That didn't give me any closure. She just used the excuse that she tried to help me, but didn't know what to do.

I wish I was as strong as you are. To continue your life while struggling. I have never seemed to be able to do that, least not in the way you describe. I try. I really do try. But it's like I'm pit in slow motion and have to work my way back up to speed.

I get the riptide analogy. I never heard that one, but I've heard the quicksand one: struggling in quicksand won't set you free...you'll only sink further...instead you want to try to float...more surface area...to get out of it. Or the one: if you keep running into a wall, maybe you should try a door.

I know I'm fighting...and losing. It's almost like an addiction, or an instinct...a habit. It's like if I just can take one more step I might get my freedom.

I just want this pain to go away. I don't sit well with it. That's why the urge to SI is so strong. It's quick, easy, and it works. I know...the downside is it's unhealthy and very dangerous. But the urge for closure from T, from outside, is so strong. I have already accepted she will never be my T, I will never see her again, and I will never hear her voice again. But the pain is still there. All the "whys" are still there. And I want justice. I only want to be validated by the person who violated me. I know you and everyone else is right, that for one it's not going to happen and two it won't help. But I still want it

Well, the emailed questions is going to happen. New T probably already sent them. And I probably won't find anything out for 2 weeks. I still really want to file a grievance. I also kinda want to contact all the people who helped me fight to keep her as a T so they know she wasted their time and efforts. I want her to know that she was in the wrong, that she's not Miss Perfect or Miss Ethical as she claims to be.

Idk. I'm still stuck in the middle of this. After 4.5 months, I'm still shocked this happened to me. I try to get away from her in my daily life, but I can't. Everything reminds me of her. And then I still have nightmares about the termination. I'm trying to move forward which is why I found a new T as soon as I did. I'm even taking little steps to improve. I contacted the community college near me to find out about finishing my AA in psychology and maybe switching my major to architecture. My doctor prescribed me meds for when I'm ready to quit smoking. And I have been trying to talk to a reverend of a church to gain a bigger social network. They're only baby steps, but still steps. And I haven't SI'ed, not for 3 months. I am trying. It's just so hard.

How were you able to continue on in your life after your trauma?