mouse,

It has been a shock to me to realize I had a part in things. That I pushed my mother away to punish her. Pushing her away was taking care of me then.

I always thought I just hated her. I always thought she pushed me away. She couldn't love me because she couldn't allow me to be me.

Also a shock to realize that I really did want her to love me.

That I wanted her to do something about my pushing her away, fix it, rescue me... from myself.

Love me anyway.

We lived our whole lives in this stalemate and it is too late. I'm just now realizing it.