Wow. Where do I start? I'm going to try to make this as cohesive as I can, but my thoughts are everywhere right now, so no promises.

I'm female. 38. I've never been to a therapist or anything like that and my problems have been life long. I feel like I'm pretty screwed up...but I don't know what's wrong with me.
38 years in, it's all come to a head.

I'm desperate. I feel like I'm in crisis. I'm teetering on the edge and I'm scared to fall over, but I don't remember ever being to this point.

I just lost my job. My marriage is crumbling. I have no family that I speak to. I'm a hermit. I sabotage everything in my life. I have no friends. I can go days and days without speaking to anyone. But, I have such a fake-happy social media appearance, no one would really ever know any of this. I'm pretty sure I have ADD. Always have. I just lost the best job I've ever had. The pattern is always the same....I start a job. I love it. I always excel (no matter what field). I get accolades and pats on the back. I start getting bored, or some big change comes along and I get uncomfortable. I start sabotaging myself and eventually just quit showing up. It used to take a long time for this process to happen. This job, I lost in under 3 months. The stress was crazy. I couldn't cope. But, honestly, that's just an excuse....I've always done this.
I don't form lasting relationships. I fade out. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't have 6 people to carry my casket. No lie.
I was always recklessly promiscuous. But, I found the love of my life, and have been faithful for 10 years. I'm proud of that. I've been terrible in other relationships. But, my love is finally fed up with how much of a screwup I am and it's falling apart...it's kind of the last thing I can handle. I feel myself in a major emotional crisis.
I have a son who I haven't seen in 7 years because his dad took him and moved away. My 12 year old daughter lives with her dad and comes to me when schools out (weekends summer etc) I act like happy mom when she's here.
Most of the time I don't care about anything. Numbness. Indifference. I don't think ahead or behind. Only the moment. I make irresponsible decisions.
If my husband kicks me out...I don't know what I'll do. Homeless shelter? I have no one to call or stay with. I have no job or savings. I have no criminal record and no drug or alcohol addiction. I've never been molested or beaten (other than one relationship) wtf is wrong with me?
My dad disowned me at 17, so I feel like I'm perpetually stuck there at that age. My mom and both grandmothers died in a 3 month period in 2003. I never dealt with that. I'm alone. And scared.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. But, I'm just getting some stuff out.

I don't know what I need...encouragement, sympathy, tough love, prayers....
I have to fix myself or I'll just let myself die.