Today, I was officially discharged from day treatment. I kind of feel like ... And repeat. I've learned a lot from the program and now have the task of integrating those skills i've learned into my everyday world.

Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. I don't think I placed enough value on the beauty of PC before. The members here can be such an awesome part of ones support system simply by being willing to just go along for the ride.

Joy and I met once more, and she seems very pleased with my progress. She refilled my celexa that they cancelled, and I ended up crying in her office and telling her how scared I was to leave. But she believes 100% that I am ready, and deep down, I know I am too.

Lily and I had our final session today as well, and she's just amazing. I don't think that anyone can read me as well as she does and I thanked her for being able to hear the words that I can't speak. She is definitely a once in a lifetime special person that I will never forget.

She has recommended as part of follow up, entry into a dbt program. She feels that it is absolutely the best thing I need, and gave me the information for the two we have in our city. She said she didn't put a referral in directly because the one she wants me to attend would involve some financial planning and time requirements, so she asked T to help me kind of review finances and see if I can plan it out. The other program (at the local mental health clinic) she says is still a good program, but much much cheaper - has a four month waiting list. So, she suggests that while i'm trying to figure out financial arrangements, to try to at least get my name on the other list. So, I guess i'll be figuring that out over the next few weeks.

I will be transitioning back to my php in two weeks and will begin seeing a psych nurse practitioner in september for medication management.

I pick up with T, next week. Lily and I had an honest talk, and as much as I love T, I feel like we have lost a bit of professionalism in the relationship. She's awesome, amazing and I know she will be there for me in every way possible BUT I think that in developing that, i've lost a little bit of the trust in her being able to actually "treat" me. Lily says she saw it from the time I walked in - she just didn't tell me; but she did discuss that with her in their consultation and she will put it in her recommendation in the report she gives her. Both she and Joy said that having that conversation with T though, about what specific needs I need to be met and how, will be both empowering and beneficial to T. Its a bit scary because T is the only person i've had to talk to for a very long time and it hurts to think that I need to take a step back. I think T will be open to hearing it but I have a lot of fear surrounding that.

They will be sending her my psychological test back, which I asked Lily to go over in more detail with me. Outside of what I already told you it says that I am horrible with social interaction skills. I showed a clear pattern of wanting people in my life and equally pushing them away. I have a tendency to push emotions away and say " i'm gonna do what i want to do no matter who or what it effects" which manifests through substance abuse behaviors, etc. I can't say the results were anything I didn't already know about myself.

The program offers group weekly after d/c but for now i'm not going to pursue it because it doesn't feel healthy for me. I feel like I need to detach from the program because it's hard enough leaving them and feeling like I have to be on my own now, and I don't want to use them as an emotional crutch. Once i'm more stable, I will definitely follow up with them.

I think its pretty sad that I got to the point I was at, where I was simply ready to give up and couldn't tell anyone what I needed, only able to say "i need to be saved" - but i'm so fortunate for that moment because with nothing left to lose I was able to surrender myself to be healed.

Anyways, thanks again for being a part of my treatment team/support system by simply being "there" with me. :]