since my middle son went back to Oregon. Not sure what's causing it; his leaving, the problems we had with what I thought was going to be a family reunion, the fact that my middle son's kids showed up the other grandkids that live around me (and he's raising his two kids all on his own, no wife), the letdown after all the preparations... I don't know.

It's gotten worse since my youngest son called me to tell me his wife read a post I had in the Spirituality Forum. He was quite angry. It's so hard for me to let go of all that happened and didn't happen.

Am I being selfish and childish because things didn't go the way I wanted them? I so wanted to have my three boys all together, interacting with each other now that they are all grown men. I wanted to see all the grandkids interacting again.

My youngest son and I had talked about showing my middle son a strong sense of family while he was here in the hopes that we could convince him to move back to the area. It sure didn't happen! What happened is the family showing him just how dysfunctional we are! I have no words to explain how I feel about that. If I let my thoughts go in that direction, I'd probably wind up in a psych ward again!!

I've got all the classic symptoms of depression right now. I cry for what seems no reason, I'm allienating myself in some ways, and just when I thought I was outgrowing this place, in the last few days, I can't bring myself to sign off. I've thrown away a lug of peaches from our peach tree because I can't bring myself to start canning them... therefore getting really down on myself. Our coffee pot is a cheapy and every time I pour myself a cup, it drips all over me. What a slob I am!! I haven't bathed in almost two weeks! GROSS!! NASTY!! But do I care? NO!

I want more than anything else to have my youngest son's kids over, to love on them, to nurture them, to take them swimming and let my granddaughter scream till she can't scream anymore. I'm not fit to take care of those three right now, but I need them so badly! It's not good to NEED someone like that. Their parents probably wouldn't let me have them, anyway. They know I'm depressed.

I care! I care too much!! Yet, I can't do anything about what I care. I want to take my DIL in my arms and hold her, then shake her till her pretty teeth fall out of her mouth and MAKE her believe me that I LOVE HER!! I don't have the patience to take the time to prove to her how I feel... so here I sit, not daring to say anything to her, letting her be angry and upset with me because I posted about a problem *I* have in being able to communicate in a way she can understand! I'm crossing one of her boundaries right now just even alluding to HER! I can't make her understand that you people are the only ones I can even begin to talk to about how I feel!

I don't want to be in this state of mind! I can say I don't give a rat's *****... but I do. Down deep, that's why I'm depressed. Down deep, HELL! On the surface, too!

I WANT MY FAMILY CLOSE BY SO I CAN NURTURE AND CARE FOR THEM, to fill in the gaps that the parents don't have time or knowledge to know about!!!!!!!!!! Damn, stupid nurturing spirit of mine! It's a curse!! That's why I want to say JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, DAMMIT!!!!