No need to apologize. I just think you need to talk to your T about it. You won't take meds, and you don't talk to your T about everything. You can't expect your T to help you if he doesn't know everything that's going on. And you don't want to suffer this way anymore, right? So it's time to change. You need to make a new choice in your life. It's completely up to you, and yes you have the strength to do it. I hope the best for you.