Maybe it's a good time to start therapy....& maybe look for therapy where DBT is offered because the skills that are learned in DBT are useful for not just borderline personality disorder.

If you do have ADD & have been struggling with it all your life, then you haven't learned skills to handle it & probably the coping skills you learned haven't been working now.

Definitely sounds like you have relationship issues if you have ended up with neither of your children.....don't know why your dad disowned you at 17 unless it had to do with the promiscuous lifestyle you chose (unless you chose that after being disowned in order to try & feel love even though you know now after marrying a good husband that's NOT what love feels like.

sounds like you have a lot of hurts in your background that professional help could help you process & deal with finally.....you couldn't be expected to know what's going on with you.....you haven't worked with a professional in order to help you LEARN.

I was in therapy almost 15 years after loosing my engineering career before I learned what was going on with my emotions & in's only been the last few years that I have learned how to be in touch with my emotions....& I'm still working on it.

It took a really good T to help me get in touch with myself & the basis was DBT therapy.

Hopeing you find your way to getting the help you so deserve