I'm doing much better in terms of depression. I sat down and decided to make some long-term plans, so I think that helped to give me direction and purpose.

I know that if I could just take control of my life, I wouldn't get suicidal. If I just had a sense of competency and efficacy, even just the slightest feeling that I could have some influence over the course of my life....the thing is, I have zero clue as to how to get there.

I'm trying to budget things. Right now, my money and my energy intake. I think I will try to take $50 in cash out every week, and that will be all I am allowed to spend on coffee/eating out/groceries. I want to save my money to take trips, and I can't keep wasting it on Starbucks. As for energy intake...I gained 4.4 lbs in the past week! ! I feel so fat and disgusting...need to lose it asap. When I went off of zyprexa and lost ten pounds, people told me how much better I looked, and that I "looked like myself again". Now I'm almost back to where I was when I went off of zyprexa.

I really need to stop this.

I want to budget my time too, make myself study medicine and languages as well as keeping a daily writing schedule. But I have a history of leaping in all at once and then falling on my face, so maybe I'll just start with money and calories.