I get depression is a part of this and I let them in one of them the other idk yet, haven't met and don't know them yet, but the one yes she's an amazing friend. I love her a lot, but I don't like making choices like these.

Feeling I should feel isolate my feelings more as in she didn't and doesn't make me uncomfortable to open up. I just won't not because I don't and won't trust her with the information.
It's a realization of partly afraid of intimacy, but mainly, that one day I will die because of me and that I won't have anyone. I know it's not a way to think, I just don't want to live no matter how good things and bad things get. I always feel I'm making a mistake keeping myself sane. She cannot know I'm this broken, but she does know, and it bothers me when I feel it could drastically change over time if I let it. That relationships are too hard for me all the time.

With everyone. My own family, my friends who all moved away and are non existent anymore. This overwhelming sense of lifetime of loneliness that I don't belong anywhere. That I've completed my life to my own fullness without one person involved feeling ready to die so young, because I won't get what I needed from my mother from my father family friends anyone. Why would I feel she would help me with this? She'll get overwhelmed years later and throw me away and no one wants a broken person. I fake everything because deep down I hate living and that I want others to feel happy and that I'll die in obscurity because I don't want people to know I'm gone.

That I've been dead for a long time that relationships have been hell all my life especially now. No matter how I make others happy and I make myself happy. I still want to die, deep down I've accomplished a lot and now finally saving to leave my current situation with poverty stricken parents. Finally focusing on my own future is amazing, but now it brings me back to my roots as early as I can remember. I always had no one. It feels having someone is very uncomfortable, because they don't understand no matter how much they want to. They've not been in my shoes no one has, and rather I feel judged by everyone. I always feel judged even feeling paranoid of being judged for feeling what I feel. I hide everything 24/7, except online, I don't trust people online either, but I appreciate the feedback and the fact people pay attention to me.

Deep down I feel if I died no one would know. Ik this isn't the right place to put this, but this is at the core of having no emotional relationships with parents or anyone. When I did the first person I did was a friend I thought I trusted, but he beat me all the time and raped me repeatedly.
Finally having it all back in my head, I remember all the time everyone wanted to kill me. Still experiencing abuse physically till I was 10. Then experiencing that and emotional abuse all the time till now.

It feels my life is beyond repair and that I don't want love. I just want to go away. That no matter where I turn to everyone will try to force me to be abused or harmed again. This is apart of my life growing up and still is relevant to me now. I can't go trust doctors hospitals anyone. I didn't want to live after seeing my grandmother abused badly with alzheimers this is my main catalyst for suicide today. I will not die that way and rather have control than lose control and others beat me senseless till I'm starved and suffering beyond to means I couldn't imagine. Damn I wish I could have her back with me now. I wanted to tell her how much I am sorry that people hurt you that I would of taken your place if I could of at the time. Also my daughter who was aborted by my ex who suffered a bit from her own issues, but also me not wanting to get close.
That we both made a mutual stupid decision that destroyed me, I won't even consider her feelings ever anymore, because she never cared and blamed me since day one. I don't blame her for some of the things, but it doesn't excuse her how badly she hit me a lot and forced sex on me, and making me feel worthless if I don't man up about my own feelings and shoving them away. Feeling worthless that my mother doesn't care no one does, and when she was going to have my daughter she'd take her away force me on child support if she had her. If that did happen I wouldn't be alive to post this now. I do live with a consequence that she's dead and aborted and shipped off somewhere from what she told me.

Now a days when I think of someone who loves me. I feel immediately what do they want from me?

That when I see this girl I'm talking to now, after many years of abusive past exes friends and experiences for many years. It feels nice in a different way that someone cares, but I don't want to change for her, and I won't feel different about how I feel now. I just don't want to stress her about it. I do see a potential long term thing, in her, but really I don't have the energy for it. I never did, I wish they came to me I didn't go to them like I've always had for feeling that I wanted someone here.

I spend my days at work isolating myself. I spend my time at home isolating myself, I spend my time in public isolating myself. I'm scared, but I'm ok being scared. I'm tired and don't have the patience to work with anyone. That someone needs to comfort me, and not kiss my *** or appease me. I don't want pity I don't want anything no money, no sex, drugs, so on. I hate people who do that. I don't talk to them, I don't like talking to people it's exhausting.

I use this to talk to myself more not to get advice, but I like others seeing what goes on in my head less than trying to fix it. I have a therapist for that. He's the only one who knows. He can't do much he says and wish he could help me more. I do need something very specialized he wants me on meds, but I fear that stuff it messed my body up bad. Every time I'm on the meds. I think of my grandma and I can't live like that.

I'm very charming, charismatic, and care alot about other people, but I don't care if they care about me or not.

I shut out opportunities, and I shut out everyone in very subtle ways. She's catching on to it, and feels like I'm an asshole. Like every ex before and their right, but they need to know the gravity of how hard it is.

I hate being a man, I hate being me, and I wanted to go back being a child forever or die forever not wanting to remember my life. That many I can't deal with the guilt. That deep down I will be successful in my endeavors, but no one will understand the tragedy of how hard I tried to appease the people who never cared all my life, never sure if it's perspective or real. It's so messed up you never know you'll ever make it out again or if you had in the first place. Feeling your life will end abruptly and that you have no say how to make it better no matter how many positive steps. Ik it's all in the mind and that it's all me who created this, and I can change it, I had. I did and I feel better at a lot of things, but in the end. I didn't care.
Simply I just don't care about living anymore. I didn't lose motivation it was taken from me and I lost faith that my internal hell will leave no matter how much money, girls, friends, or people I call family in my life. The damage is done and those evil people took it, and it's that my life felt like a constant nightmare and having these night terrors and hallucinations of how paper thin your reality is.

No one on this earth will care to listen, appreciate, or have you here. Feeling you are the only one in a world full of broken children that you try to reach out and make a difference ends up being the reason you don't want to live. That one day you can't run and you'll have to end it. Sorry this has plagued my mind a lot. People want to throw bandaids at me and can't do anything I can only make band aids I can't fix the problem. It's a hard thing to grasp, maybe I'm not supposed to get better that everything is ok. That one day when I do die, I won't feel this anymore when I'm older and make that decision and it's hard to explain that part of suicide to anyone.

That your demons are your demons no one can distinguish how you should or shouldn't feel only you know that and no one can change my mind. I don't have a current don't care for one. I will only do it when I'm older much older and wiser and ready.

Living in that feeling I was born with inopportunity where no one gave you a chance, that your suffering isolates you from everyone I had to live with it as early as 4, but I made it work I made it work so don't tell me I'm a quitter. I'll get out when I'm done with my life's work being alive.

Ik one day people won't understand when it happens that they'd feel betrayed, but it didn't matter then or before, because they haven't or will choose to see that I've been a lost cause. I just choose to make it better myself and keep it to myself.

This is why I won't get married or have kids or do certain things to create too much of barrier for me when I'm older much much older.

It's a dark secret I've been keeping since as long as I can remember.