I've been seeing a counselor..I've now been four time over the course of a couple month. I don't really feel I've gotten anywhere, after the second time I got quite a bit out and just felt nasty for days after, and having the fourth time this past Thursday I also got quite a bit out and didn't really feel any kind of way. I have problems controlling my anger I take it out on myself and objects, never people. It's become different lately before I would get upset or anything I would just like hit myself..now I start crying and shaking and just hitting stop like repeatedly begging whatever it is to stop? I used to cut and things like that, burn. I tried marijuana for the first time the day to try and relieve myself of some of my thoughts and to feel better, but it did nothing for me. I put it out on my arm? I also got mad today and hit the windshield. I think I become overwhelmed, but I also took the last 10 pills of mirtazapine I stole..and was really sensitive today's that could also be the problem. The harming myself isn't my main concern. I was having really bad suicidal thought a few years back to the point where I was going to get up out of bed and shoot myself with my dads gun, but I told myself the devil wants me to do this and I just didn't I cried myself to sleep and haven't been that bad since, I had a dream a few nights ago about these 2 girls, they were arguing and one of them was saying "no I don't want to do it" and the other gave her reasons to do it. Next thing I know she jumps over the railing and I hear a loud popping noise, then the other climbs over backwards and I hear two pops. That following night and all through out that day I couldn't stop thinking about it and I would see the girls looking at me, they had distorted evil faces. I was sitting on the edge of my bad arguing with myself about whether this was real life or if I was dreaming and I went into a panic attack I'm guessing and said I thought the devil was talking to me and attached it. I didn't think that I just thought of the devil and went into a panic.I think it's my inner self arguing about suicide..it's become something I just associate everything with. I'm unhappy, and I think it's okay to be unhappy, but I don't know how my counselor is going to make me any happier? My mood can change in an instant..just when I thought I was over it and was content yesterday, today happened. I've also had trouble deciphering reality from dream that's not constant just reoccurring. My moods go from overly laughing, to upset. From being angry, to upset. Then from happy, to no emotion. A lot.