Hi All,

I'm new here, as I decided to join since realizing and also making an appointment to see a Psychologist soon about my mental health. I'm just curious on everyone's opinions on what my problems sound like as I'm really confused and in a low state of mind right now.

What originally brung me here is a deep sadness that I cannot shake which I'm going to assume is depression, my auntie on my dads side have it but I have a feeling the anxiety from my mothers side also comes with depression.

I don't remember much of my earlier years up until about 18 my memory is vague and I'm only 24 now.

My mother left my father when I was 5 due to his anger issues and not sure what else. I just remember being afraid he would get angry at me but mum always said he never touched or hurt me and loved me.

Primary school I was quite active and loved playing outdoors, mum had some boyfriends during this time but I don't even remember a single conversation or moment conversing with any of them (3 of them I think) I just remember having fun as a kid. I sort of grew up hating men and not trusting them and figured I don't need them. I had a lovely uncle though who my mother thought was my father figure but I never saw him as such.

Reaching high school the emotions begun to run wild. I was bit overweight (BMI 25-28 I think) As I loved food and kept my mind off things and some times had an urge to eat even when not hungry or finish everything on my plate. But being this overweight caused me to become socially awkward and develop low self esteem. I also had a persistent red eye problem so people thought I was stoned. (I think from makeup/dry eyes, no one knows) I daydreamed ALL the time and usually pick the skin around my fingers while doing so, sometimes the pain from it felt like a release but sometimes it's more a habit. Most people didn't even know my name and just became the "quiet" girl. My studies struggled, I couldn't focus or remember anything I did manage to read, would need to reread things 5 times over so my study sessions involved me rewriting single paragraphs over and over to try to remember it. My scores throughout highschool were 40-60% at best. Hobbies I could never stick to because I wanted to do everything. I did a bit of drawing/playing piano and I was ok at it if I could stick to it. I always have a creative side that needs releasing or I feel restless.

I left school and signed up to an I.T course after high school since when I turned about 15 the only thing occupying my time was video games. I was alone with no friends mostly as my childhood friend grew distant with me. I always made the effort to call her but she didn't.

I finished my I.T course but found no job in it due to being too scared to do interviews and I wasn't amazing at it I just had a keen curiosity to learn and I struggled with anything involving too much information so my uncle offered an accounts job for his new business and here I am at 24 stuck in this job and playing video games in my spare time. When I first started the job I cried before making phone calls, I still do to this day. I hate talking on the phone in a professional manner, mostly if others are around because I'm slow and distant most of the time yet I feel smart and can do well when I'm able to apply myself. Pretty much doing anything outside of my routine or comfort zone causes me great distress such as just going to a different fuel station then my normal one.

I guess I feel stuck with my life because I can't change it..I hate forgetting things, wanting to do so many different things, having an all or nothing attitude with everything even food and literally accomplishing nothing from indecisiveness.
It's like my mind is going in all different directions at once, there's no clear path or goal in my mind. One moment I'm happy, next I'm depressed, next I'm laughing uncontrollably, I'm always bored no matter what I try to do.

Thanks for reading all of this if you did. Feels more like a vent now..