I would like feedback at the end, please; feel dissociated or some form of detachment and it's messing with my eye sight.

I wrote the following on a site for Asperger's as I am soon to be assessed for it:

And somebody said:


I never did like how it began. He remembered everything apparently and I remembered spilling wine and a flash of the bedroom ceiling, that's it.

As a sex-positive inclusive feminist I didn't want to be seeing boogeymen everywhere as I knew that, even though I couldn't remember, I probably was being forward. I get like that when drunk, partly because I've realised the only time men try to understand me is after they've had sex with me. Women are only marginally better. There's something in me that just makes me give myself and I think it is for acceptance rather than the act.

I can't remember though; all I know is that he knew a week before hand that not only did I kind of liked a male friend of his but I was also in the process of maybe beginning to date his last ex whom he hates -- I'm nonmonogamous -- and that I had told everybody publicly that I would not be having casual sex and any advances or acceptance from me when I should be turned away if no relationship is wanted would be taken as something serious. After we'd broken up a year later he would try to deny this but I have FB proof.

On one of the first mornings he stayed over here, I thought he was asleep. My other ex had apparently been asleep when he aimed and punched me full force in the back and I still can't work out if that was true. Anyway, this one seemed to be asleep but he grabbed my wrist and yanked it from where it had been resting on his chest to... I don't have to say it. I kept pulling my wrist back up to hug but it kept going on, really strong, and eventually I got up.

Not long later he got up and had coffee. I mentioned it and he said he was surprised because it was something that happened on an old psoriasis med. I believed him.

For a while it still occurred but eventually stopped.

However, he still fondled me awake almost every morning because he was "horny" and "couldn't control" it. I've had problems in the past verbalising, which I'm pretty sure I told him and can happen with Asperger's. So I would try to move away or push away his hand but he'd keep doing it until he heard some for of muffle from me. Then I could be asked up to three times if he should leave and now I know that was putting it on me. Mostly I wanted to cuddle but I couldn't because when I said that he'd just keep doing it. I had to be the bad one to send him away and be lonely in the bed, just getting up fairly quickly after that.

He could be caring but he was also patronising, would talk down to me, snap and blame it on this thing that apparently happens in his romantic relationships in which he says one thing but means another and he wasn't yelling, he simply couldn't control his voice.

I was dumped because he couldn't handle both our mental health issues at the same time. I spent a month spiraling because he hadn't contacted me in the few days he said he would. Then when we talked he became very unreasonable and I wound up sending angry messages. I became suicidal and my carer told him to speak to me on the phone. He said we wouldn't speak for the 9 months until the gaming convention where he'd come say hi and we could maybe be acquaintances for several years before maybe being friends. I told him that I don't wait that long for maybes and I was establishing no contact for good. That whole conversation had been domineering voice but now he puts on a fake sounding gentle one and says he hopes I get help through therapy.


Now I did bring up the first night a few times in and out of the relationship. It was always when I was annoyed though and he'd snap back and the most I got out of him was a begrudged "it was wrong" and an apology about "letting the relationship happen". Nothing about taking advantage of me. He'd known me for a few years before as acquaintances and was on my and my carer's fb. I'm very open so he'd have known how ill I am.

I didn't let it be a problem though because he was one of only two bfs who seemed to treat me fairly decently like all the ones I had had.

A while after breaking up it wound up mentioned in a private chat with people who I was asking advice about contacting him. One girl said I had to be careful who I said it to because it could be taken as rape and the other said she was annoyed at him. None of the men said anything until I eventually I talked to one of them and he said he would have put me to bed in PJs if it had been him. That's it.

My carer is male and was accused of rape in interpersonal circle even when he wasn't in the same room as the girl so he is extremely evasive.

Now this person has said it and I went into full-blown flashback about a different person and a different incident. He has asperger's so I don't know how much misunderstanding there was because I did like rough sex and I was supposed to use a safe word. But this happened after I had a meltdown from all the noise at band practice and was irritable and he just grabbed me and said I wanted to be punished. I couldn't speak or move and I remember his face but not the words he was saying.

I started panicking because I'm trying to contact this ex's mother as I don't want the police involved, many exes have made complaints about a few things, and she's the only one he'll listen to. But she might not listen to me.

I've let so many men away with this sort of thing and haven't even reported the times when I didn't let them away with it in my head. I feel shaky and vulnerable and sweaty and right now I HATE MY FRIENDS for being apologists.

He even complained that his last ex wouldn't sleep in the same bed but had with me. He wanted her to tell the truth, not just say she couldn't sleep in the same bed as people. Later it occurred to me that she had told me of sexual assault as a young girl at a hotel. I asked him vaguely if he knew. He did. He did. And he was the one to have a smear campaign against her while saying he was fine with me dating her too and didn't stop using her name until I said so, switching to nouns and pronouns, waiting for me to guess, until I was entirely against her. Then he completely stopped mentioning her.

What happened the first night was rape, wasn't it? But I can't do anything now because I'm just a "scorned ex". And the groping and coercion wasn't right either.

I can put my relationship rapes up to around 5 at a rough guess, non relationships to 1, sexual assaults to about 4. None were violent except maybe the one after the meltdown. So I just let them go. Or I thought I did.

And my friends won't back me up beside saying it is a little crappy.

I know telling his mother is a risky move but he's eventually going to get in trouble and by god I'm so distant but here and pained at the same time I can't see straight with my glasses on and it feels so stupid. It wasn't violent, I didn't fear for my life, though I don't remember I consented and I only now let it be a problem as I have no reason to let it slide any more.

I'm confused and sick and I know I'm going to keep letting this happen to me. All the times in the past when it hasn't even been sexual assault, i've just not been able to speak. Don't you stop though, when the person isn't responsive? But then there's the times I mechanically move because I'm supposed to but I don't want it.

I don't know why it happens; as far as I'm aware, no sexual abuse in childhood.

So was this rape or am I just loose? Is it right to be freaked out now? I should have said something, right? His mother might see the message on fb but thinking of getting her address i've found and sending it to her instead but I'm probably an aspie and though that sounds right to me, my carer says I shouldn't.

Help.